A look back...and, forward!

Can't wait to show you the pix below. But, I first wanted to share a great link. The second Monday of each month finds us at the Wilmore Adoption Support group. It's such a nice resource to be able to talk with other like-minded parents about so many different parenting issues - challenges, joys, and adoption related information. Last night we talked about challenges in school. How do children who were adopted later in life than infancy deal with "bring your baby picture to school" and create a timeline of your life? (When you grow up in a thatch hut in rural Africa it's a little difficult to capture memories with a camera.) Our kids' birth stories are often vastly different than the 'average' American child. And, dealing with these things head-on and EARLY is so important for a child's self-esteem. It also helps other children to understand, learn empathy and to stand up for their friends throughout life together in the school system. We spoke about science classes and heredity and genes. One dad (before his kids were a twinkle in his eye!) was a teacher just out of college and was teaching this very topic to young people. As a particular student was figuring out her gene pool ~ dominant and recessive genes for eye color ~ she called him over to explain why her eyes were one color while none of her family members represented that particular color! It's humorous...but, also tragic! Talking about adoption early, while also not making it our #1 focus is a fine line. But, one that must be walked. Here is a link that is still developing. On it you will find much-needed resources like sensory therapists, counselors and occupational therapists. And, much more. Bluegrass Adoption Support Network, bringing to Kentucky a more aware and proactive group of parents this 2012!

Our Christmas on the farm was a joy this past 2011. We had family from Illinois, Indiana and Georgia. 

We ate well, played games, watched movies, watched the kids play, decorated gingerbread houses and even worked upstairs to install a shower. Wha? Yes, you read that correctly.

 It can't be a get-together with the Neal side without a little home renovation.  

We want to stop here. We cannot thank you enough, family and friends, for all of your encouragement, prayer and support of us as we begin the New Year in Taiwan. Our plans are not always God's plans and you believe that right along with us...you have come beside us to rally and support His plans for our family to serve at the Home of God's Love in Lo-Dung, Taiwan. We are SO very thankful to the Lord for each of you and what you bring to our lives. The Frederickson's will be taking care of our dog, Farris. The Heckman's will be caring for our two cats, Sherpa and Binx. When we began this process back in April, the Lord brought buyers for our goats, guardian livestock dog, 60+ laying hens, etc. One of the buyers is a beautiful family ~ the Maple's. They have been some of our biggest advocates - they are our employers too.  

Aunt Kim in Maryland, Uncle Dick and Aunt Josie in Iowa, Uncle Jerry in Arizona, the Petersons in Colorado, the Wells in Georgia, the Angels in Georgia and so many of our close friends and family Here in the Bluegrass...each of you is so dear to us. Thank you for the blessing you are in are in our lives. We fly on January 31st from Chicago to Hong Kong. Then, on to Taipei, Taiwan. We don't know how long the Lord will allow us to stay - we'll keep you updated with prayers and blog posts and a newsletter or two. We are furiously tying up loose ends, applying for visas and packing, packing and packing some more. Bless each of you this New 2012 Year. We pray God's Biggest Blessings for you!

The cousins ~ early Christmas morning. 

 

Books and a panda from Great Aunt Cis and Uncle Norman

Sweet baby B. 2, almost 3 months!

Gaga and Papa Wells with their gingerbread house! 

Thanks to Uncle Josh and Aunt Rachelle, each family got to decorate our own. Fun tradition!

These two monkeys had fun times together. John was sick and went to bed early the night his cousins arrived just before Christmas Eve. But, what kept K. going during the drive down to KY from IN? Seeing her cousin John! So, just as he was laying his head on the pillow ~ in came his family and everyone had to give lots of hugs and kisses before bed! It didn't always look this picturesque at the table. 

But, aren't they sweet!?

The Brothers Neal

Last month we traveled to IN for our new niece's baby dedication. 

Below is a great pic of the Neal grandparents with their grandchildren. Wonderful, isn't it!?

And, most importantly...Charley read the Christmas Story from Luke. 

Love, Jackie

10 years and counting...

After hunting for a quality quote that would say what I'm feeling today I realized I should probably just be woman enough to post my own thoughts. So, here it goes.

We drove down to our local ice cream shop last night. There were a few moments of looking back on the past, but mostly there was a lot of chatter and interaction from the short guy in the backseat. "Pipe down, Chachi," is what we throw in that general direction. We were so young when started this journey together...20 and 21 when we met and fell in love. It feels like yesterday, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. Even though we didn't live our childhoods together, we've grown up as adults together. We've relied on each other with God's help for so many things - full time ministry at the Ranch, buying our first home, jobs, foster parenting, fertility, traveling in the US and overseas, navigating relationships with friends and family, adoption, hurdles with my health, learning and growing in our faith, failures, triumphs, building our forever house, adding and subtracting animals, the "terrible 2's"...the list goes on.

The past 10 years have been a roller coaster of glories and valley's. But, it's been a faithful foundation and a test for the future. We can never be fully prepared to face the future...we can only be totally connected as a strand of 3 (now 4) and forge ahead, taking one day at a time.

It's a beautiful life, Charley...one I wouldn't want to live with anyone but you.

Happy Anniversary, my friend.

Picnic, Memorial Day and a Laugh

Yesterday evening we were headed to our monthly Adoption group picnic. We were all in the car together after a day apart - John in preschool, daddy at work, and mommy at home preparing for our trip. I can't wait to ask about John's day when he's been at school, as I'm sure my mom loved to ask about mine when I was growing up.

I would always give the same answer, "It was fine."

Poor lady.

What do I usually get from my son at the end of the day? "It was fine, mommy."

Ok.

"Son, what did you have to eat today?"

"Nothing," he answered.

Oh, ok. Again, my poor mother.

Payback is what this is, I guess. But, here comes the best part...

"Mommy, I love you. And, I love daddy. And, Gaga and Papa and Grandma and Grandpa."

Can I just say how good it feels to know we are still most important and that school and friends don't yet trump family! I pray it stays that way until he's oh...22 or so. Sigh.

After our picnic we stopped at "Old *McDonald's"...so cute, right!? We needed a .50 cent ice cream cone after all of that playing and picnicking. When we finished, our little man announced, "now move on. Hold on to your panties." Daddy sometimes announces that when we leave our driveway. I guess it's made quite an impression.

On Memorial Day we got together with some friends that we've known for several years now. They also adopted from *Thogl and our boys were there at the same time. Little C, below on the right, (not to be confused with the artist Lil C) was the first baby I held and fed before my Johnny woke up the morning we arrived in Taiwan. It is a blessing to be able to connect and share life with them several times a year. God weaves an intricate fabric of love in special ways!

C on the right, at *Thogl (thanks, J, I borrowed this from FB!)

J at *Tholg

And, here are our boys today - 3 years later and oh how they've grown!

Do you love my boys wild hair - spiked after sweaty play outside?!

Our families

Mmm...the AC just kicked on at 9am here in the south. Better go shut the open windows...By the way...we try to stay frugal, even when it comes to AC. We keep the temp at 79 during the summer and turn the ceiling fans on high. Since we're in the middle of a hay field with hardly any shade we try to leave the Ac high so that we don't get too spoiled...we still have to work outside! And, coming back into the Ac on high does not bode well if we still need to keep it real with work outdoors!

Try to stay cool on this hot summer day!

Jackie

New Family Photos

Check them out at Cydil Waggoner's blog.

What a great photographer she is...

Learning...

I've discovered a few more things I'd like to share...

In My Child's World is another site that brings together parents who are committed to giving their children their very best. A quote from their pages:

"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two." ~ Bob Constantine

I don't who Bob is, but I like him.

Another site is all about creating/providing/producing duffel bags - real, tangible life-long bags to keep - for foster children! Instead of sending them packing (either to a forever home, another placement, or back to their biological families) with everything they own in garbage bags these people saw a need and filled it! Go here to check it out...Revival Gear Project.

So...I'm going out on a limb here. I'm going to be brief, but I could write forever.

Throughout these 30 months of life with our boy I, mommy, have always taken a backseat to daddy. It's been ok. I understand. My boy has had so many ladies pass through his life that it is hard for him to trust. I've always felt it will just take time for him to lovingly put his arms around my neck like he does to his daddy. Or, that it will just take time for him to want sit on my lap facing me while we talk or eat. I have felt rejected, depressed, sad and always confused. I certainly don't talk about it with anyone else besides my husband b/c to admit such deep emotions to the world would mean, for me, defeat. Defeat that I had not done my best to try to bond and attach with my beloved son...or had worse, done something wrong and contributed to the issues we face together, my son and I.


But, let's face it - after reading and learning and praying and pondering I do realize that adoption is about loss, grief, turmoil, hope, love and redemption. Loss for me in that I was not there for the first moments of my son's life, grief that he has suffered the loss of 9 months in the womb + 7 months in an (albeit extraordinary and Christian love-filled) orphange setting, and turmoil at being hoisted from both of these situations to a loving home across the ocean filled with new scents, people, languages, loves, sites, hands and so much more. (ALL, by the way, HUGE sensory experiences even for a biological 7 months old!)

This is the first time I've put pen to paper - um, fingers to keyboard - and really journaled my thoughts for the world to read. I pray, fast, and ruminate in my head at length, all the intricacies of life with my son. Because, geesh, I'm a stay at home mom and although the laundry, dishes, farm work and more all call out to me daily I still have a lot of time to think and pray! Anyway...

All of that to say that, like it or not, I do take a backseat to daddy. And, I am tired of feeling sad and resentful (a little) about it. I'm going to pursue my son until he melts in my arms. Arching his back, protesting loudly, grunting, putting me at arms length when I hold him facing me is no longer acceptable. Holding him on my hip with his arm and elbow propped on my collarbone to keep me at bay is no longer tollerable for me! I want to feel his arm around my neck. I want him to bury his head in my neck like he does with his daddy. He can do it with me b/c I see him do it with dad! He is capable!


I love when he sits on my lap facing outward when we read together. But, I've always felt something is missing. Attachment - real attachment - is what we both want.

So, yesterday I held him for almost an hour. I tried cradling him, which he would not have. I tried turning him to face me, which he would not have. I tried holding him to me - head to head. But, he climbed up past me, trying to get away. I heard lots of "no's," lots of "I don't need you's." But, I didn't stop loving him and pursuing him. I heard, "I want mommy." Huh? I'm right here, I thought. And, you can read it how you'd like. But, I think in my heart that he meant the mommy who held him inside of her for 9 months. Or, the "mommies" that fed him countless bottles for 7 months. Call me crazy. It's ok. I can take it. But, it's what I believe.

I told him calmly, sometimes whispering, over and over how much I love him, how he is my child, my baby, and I will always be here for him.,,forever. I am never leaving.

We stopped for dinner with daddy and as we walked into the kitchen with me holding him he actually held on to me for a minute with his arms around my neck. He laid his little head on my shoulder and whispered, "I love you, mommy." Oh man.

It's not like he doesn't tell me he loves me, he does. But, this was unexpected, genuine, straight from the heart. Something about it was different.

Later, after dinner, daddy went outside to finish chores. Usually John wants to play and go outside with him. But, last night he sat in my lap and said, "bye!" Totally unusual for him.

John and I sat rocking together, with him facing out (of course!), but he was content. After a few minutes I turned him around...well, attempted to turn him around (he's so strong!) and we went at it again for awhile. Without any prompting he slowed a little bit as I tried to cradle him, looking into his eyes and he said, "I need you mommy." Then, he looked at me square in the eye and said, "mommy needs me?" while he nodded his head. Oh man...that was when I knew I was doing what he had wanted me to do for so long - to just hold him, give him eye contact, no matter how painful. And, tell him over and over that I loved him and I would never leave him and he is my forever baby.

So much of John's story is personal. I don't ever want to exploite his story or tell the world his raw emotions for fear that he will dislike my words as he can understand more and more each passing year. It's a tricky thing - putting your words, your heart out there in blogland. But, I can't hold these moments in my heart. God's children are made alike in so many ways and I know there other mom's feeling what I feel.

So, I couldn't help but share this journey of attachment and bonding. Our story is too good to hide in this little house. It's a safe little house and we so often want to shelter ourselves from the storms of the world. But our light shines bright - for our son, his life's journey, our trip to parenthood, and for the LORD! In the hopes that it might make a difference in the life of another little one unable to bond, I write these words of encouragment ~ there is hope for healing the wounds of loss felt so deeply inside the heart. There is light at the long end of what sometimes feels like a dark and winding tunnel.

I am encouraged beyond words b/c for the first time last night, my son fell fast asleep in my arms.

Every fostering class, social worker and most friends, encourage a child to fall asleep on their own. And, for most children, that's true! For most biological children, that's a fact! And, we have done that ever since John came home. But, the love he showed me by cuddling his little back to me last night and trusting me enough to fall asleep as I held him was by FAR the most wonderful statement of love he has ever given me.

Yes, he obeys most of the time b/c I tow the line. But, I want him to want to obey me b/c he loves, cheriches and trusts me. Hmmm, I think...just like God wants us to spend time talking, loving and cherishing Him.

I believe that the more I hold him, the more I tell John I cherich him over and over and talk quietly about our losses and gains...that he and I will have a bond closer than he and his daddy. Is it ok to want that for us? I think it is. We'll heal our distraught emotions and come out on top of the world.

And, the whole focus? LOVE.

Because LOVE is what LIFE is all about.

The next time God brings a child into my life I will follow my heart, my gut. I will not take "no" for an answer when I try putting her in a chest carrier facing me. Charley and I will be the only ones to hold her for weeks. I will be her primary bottle-giver, lover, comforter and holder. Me. Mommy. Forever. Easy words to say, but for so many little ones, hard words to accept and trust.

Remember the picture of the 3 of us at Christmas from the start of the post? Scroll up and take a closer look at it. My goal for next year is to have my boy giving a hint of a smile and for his little hands to be at rest.


Jackie

Turkey & Family - or, One in the Same

We turned around and Kayla had put John's sweater over her shoulders

Kayla climbed up on John's stepstool all by herself!

Here in the Bluegrass of Kentucky we are so thankful for all that God has brought our way this year.

We haven't been able to meet the demand for farm fresh eggs! That's a praise! We weren't sure we would be able to sell a single egg this time last year. Our goat herd has increased with the birth of two kids - one buck and one doe. We hope to add two or three bottle calves this spring and possibly a small "hoop" house. And, our home is almost finished...we're 90% finished with the downstairs and the upstairs lacks just half to be completed. Often, we look back just 2 years ago and can't believe how far our family, home and farm have come in such a short time. We are so thankful for our families - they have labored along with us with nary a complaint!

Possibly the #1 praise of the year has been the home ministry of Charley's brother and his family. We are blessed by their baby girl, Kayla, as she and John have gotten to know each other during our visits this year. We've gotten to go on a double date while the grandparents watched the kiddos, shared meals, drywall/construction fun together, and most of all the lives of our children.

It's a beautiful thing

My heart soars and goosebumps chill when I learn about a family committed to adoption. I'm pretty open about many things in my life. But, I don't talk about or certainly post about adoption very much. Why? I guess because it is almost so personal and sacred to me that I can't put words to the emotional range that lives inside me regarding the orphan. I read articles, listen to friends and family, pastors and teachers speaking of adoption and I am almost speechless. I can't sort my thoughts out right away - it's much later, after processing the words of others and my own feelings, that I grasp the truth and beauty of adoption. So, instead of pontificating on it myself, I'd like to point out a few blogs and an article I just read. We saw the July issue of Christianity Today last night and it was so exciting to see a cover about adoption. Here is one of the articles from CT. The article is entitled "Abba Changes Everything." He certainly does, friends. For this family and for so many around the world. It's a beautiful thing!

Go here to read about our friends adopting from Ethiopia. Go here to read about our friends adopting from Albania. For both families, it's their second foray into the world of endless paperwork, days filled with waiting, and high emotions. Bless them today and always!

I do have to add another thought...and, perhaps, for me, the most important point. The adoption is not talked about very much in our house b/c it's in the past. Our son belongs to us fully. He was created by God for us. As my mom has pointed out, "the adoption is over and finished!" For our family, it is a thing of the past - just like God accepts us into his family once, we adopted John once. Taiwan, The Home of God's Love and a few other people, places and things are certainly important to us and we celebrate them. We don't ignore the past nor do we dwell on it. But, mostly, we believe God would have us look forward and live the today in the full life and love God has given to our family.

Farm Tour

This past weekend the 3 of us traveled 15 min. down the road to tour a local farm. Pike Valley Farm raises 32,000 natural and organic chickens/year and is the largest producer of pastured poultry in the nation. They are young, only 5 years old, but are mighty! The Pike family has done a remarkable job of modeling their products after Joel Salatin. It was such a fun experience to tour their acreage on a hay wagon! In addition to poultry they have beef and pork, too. We were inspired and re-energized for our oh, so-much-smaller journey into processing 14 roosters this weekend! Please check out Pike Valley and support their growing business...only until we are able to provide some of those things here at Palisades Point, mind you :).

lavender

summer family pic

S'mores, campfires, family that are truly friends...what more could we ask for!?





We made our first batch of salsa on Friday. We thought it was pretty good. Our friends Jon and Heather came over for dinner and liked it too. So, that clinched the flavor factor. Jon is such a great friend...he helps us fix all of our breaks here at the farm. I guess we should call him Dr. Jon. And, Heather is so sweet...she is one of the funniest girls I know. We break stuff just to have an excuse to have them over.

Our little man has finally learned to read by himself for more than a second. We all sit around reading our individual books or magazines...or tractor calendars, as the case may be. We hear lots of mumbling about "turn key on, get up on tractor, get down, ride tractor, daddy ride tractor," and so on and so on and so on.

Big news here at 272 Brenda Way. Mommy has not slept well for awhile now. Between John waking at least once in the night (not SO much anymore, but toddler dreams wake him now), Charley snoring and rolling and flailing, I just don't get more than an hour or two of consecutive sleep each night. I guess that's been going on for years now... Anyway, we made a decision to have Charley sleep upstairs for a few night while I tried to see if I could get more sleep. And, it's worked! I slept 6 consecutive hours on Friday night. And, last night I slept for 9 entire hours without waking up once! Maybe my crankiness, irritability, ill attitude, and there are more words I can use to describe it but won't, is waning. Could it be possible that this was the answer all along!? I do have to add that I am trying a gluten and lactose free diet. I've been "free" for about a month now. I can honestly say it's made a difference. I don't have excema and do feel less irritable. Hopefully, with these changes in my life I will feel more balanced and "normal." No laughing, folks. Oh ok, you I have my permission...I love self-deprecation.

Thanks for listening to me ramble about life. Who knew I would ever be one to share myself online. I guess motherhood and a little growth did that for me. Oh, and did I mention gardening, fresh air, naps and plenty of loving animals around?! Ok. Enough.

And, one last picture to hint at the fun we had with family...isn't my sister-in-law beautiful?!

We'll be back with more soon!

Love to all.

Family Affair

My mom bought the fabric and Charley's mom sewed! We love 'em. The "hammie" had to say "cheese" and get in the second picture.

Well, the month of May flew by without a single post. I, however, did not even take the time to change the dry-erase calendar on the fridge! So, we're still looking back on April every time we fix a meal. Oh well. Time really does fly when you are having fun, I guess. I should add that there was mayhem, hours spent driving, drama, laughter and tears along with the fun. Oh, and, the phrase, "no, John, please do not do that," spoken from my mouth A.L.O.T. Mom and I traveled Nashville again for my cousins graduation from Vanderbilt. And, might I add...sans John! Mommy liked the two day respite! It was great to catch up with family and celebrate. The flood had just receded the previous week, so it was an experience to eat from plastic ware in all of the restaurants, etc. The mud on trees and shrubs was visible and Opryland's doors gaped open with huge funnels pumping the water out. The parking lots were filled with Service.Master vehicles and clean-up crews. Graduation on campus went off without a hitch, though! It was held outside on the lawn and though we anticipated rain, the clouds held off and we were even thankful we were sitting near a tree with a little shade from the sun. Here are a few pics of the day.




The graduate, Steve!





The garden is calling, so that is all the blogging time I have for now. But, there is so much more of May to share soon! Love ya'll! Enjoy the first weekend in June!

My men

Happy Birthday Meme

I was not privileged to grow up with either of my grandmothers...but, mom and dad talked about each special lady as if they watched from the windows of heaven every day. So, I love both dearly and want to remember my Meme today, as it is her birthday. If she was here today she would be 106! Below are her favorite flowers, violas, growing in our flower boxes on the front porch. Happy Birthday Meme!





The chicks arrived today through the US mail! John and I traveled down to the Lancaster P.O. to pick them up and heard them chirping as soon as we entered the building. See how they have settled in well...




And, I saved the best for last...Aunt Kim came to visit this week! We had a wonderful time together as she met John for the first time! He was "taken" with his beautiful Aunt and they bonded in such a sweet way...he was fascinated with everything she did and said. It was so sweet to watch! I think she had a little fun going in to him when he woke up in the morning, reading him books, feeding him breakfast and playing with his new farm toys. I also have the funniest surprise for another day...a gift she found for him at Cracker Barrel. The weather was perfect, we took a walk and Jeeped around the farm. Then she was off to visit her son in Nashville who will graduate from Vandy this spring. How time flies.





Happy Easter all! Many blessings as you celebrate the Risen Christ!
Charley, Jackie and John