My boy

Today was a rough day for our little family. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that my boys gave me extra love today. At the end of the evening, as we were getting John ready for bed, he climbed into my lap and said, "I love you so much mommy. I love being with you every day and every day I love being with you." We then listed the others that we love, grandparents, friends, etc. And, then he asked if I loved Jesus. As soon as he asked this, he turned, our eyes met, and we both said, "Oh, yeah, I love Jesus!"

That's the stuff that makes life worth living.

A day in the life...

     I'm not sure what you see on your Google home page but, here in Taiwan, we see Lanterns...it's Lantern Festival time. This, coming right after Chinese New Year!  (I am sure my Chinese grammer in the previous sentence would be horrendous.) Tonite everyone will light lanterns and, if the weather is nice, we'll walk down to Plum Blossom Lake for devotions in the dusk with the brightly lit lanterns! Our sweet boy is not feeling well...he's running a fever and has some chills. His appetite is still good and he is sleeping well. But, his level of play is way down. We would appreciate your prayers for him! So...all of that to say that we will most likely not be on the lantern walk unfortunately. But, I'm sure there will be more of those.

Today as I was driving over to the Home (with LOADS OF LAUNDRY), I came upon a funeral. I had no idea of the magnitude of such an event. A large bright yellow canopy with lots of flowers and lanterns, etc was blocking the entire road - with just an entrance, or walkway, into the families home. (And, when I say large, I mean it covers the whole road and is about 2 or more stories high.) Last evening we were coming over for dinner and saw Anna, Ted and Bev and several others representing the family walking home from the house where the person had passed. Ted was pushing a wheelbarrow. The custom is to take rice and pay respects, as far as we could gather.

The weather today is glorious. Right now, it is Monday and the time is 12:24pm. I do believe that it is 11:24pm EST in the US. So, the kiddos just finished lunch. I am upstairs just outside Ted's main office. There is a little computer room set up for the kids with a large table so that a few of us can set up laptops. The internet is excellent upstairs! Charley was even able to catch up on the CATS yesterday for a few minutes! Can't believe their win over SC...wait, yes we can. Best. Season. Ever. for Univ. of KY basketball.

Yesterday we made our first adventure into *Lo-Dung. It is a fairly large city (or about the size of Lexington, maybe a little smaller) and you can see mountains in the distance and water-filled rice patties everywhere. In the city itself there are many shopfronts with much for sale. The other day Anna took up to the Post Office, the bank, and the grocery store. And, we were able to find each of those things again yesterday. We are pretty proud of ourselves! (We only got lost once...just a small panic that lasted about 30 minutes :). Today we are cleaning, cleaning, cleaning the apartment. It feels good to get some things accomplished in our living space.

The rain has held off for 2 days, praise God! It's supposed to arrive again tonite or tomorrow. Pray for sun!

 John and Hannah just before we left

 John and Braden  (Sorry about the side view)

 In the *Hong Kong airport

Just outside our apartment, with the rain behind. All of the apartments look alike - so you can see the far complex in the back to get an idea of what the front of ours looks like.

I am sure there is so much more we'd like to say, but just can't think of the words right now. We pray each of you is well and your weather is sunny right now!

sum sum summa time

saturday morning with daddy

a little slice of sherpa heaven

fresh lettuce from the garden to the table

can you see it? look very close...it's there if you stare long enough

Learning...

I've discovered a few more things I'd like to share...

In My Child's World is another site that brings together parents who are committed to giving their children their very best. A quote from their pages:

"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two." ~ Bob Constantine

I don't who Bob is, but I like him.

Another site is all about creating/providing/producing duffel bags - real, tangible life-long bags to keep - for foster children! Instead of sending them packing (either to a forever home, another placement, or back to their biological families) with everything they own in garbage bags these people saw a need and filled it! Go here to check it out...Revival Gear Project.

So...I'm going out on a limb here. I'm going to be brief, but I could write forever.

Throughout these 30 months of life with our boy I, mommy, have always taken a backseat to daddy. It's been ok. I understand. My boy has had so many ladies pass through his life that it is hard for him to trust. I've always felt it will just take time for him to lovingly put his arms around my neck like he does to his daddy. Or, that it will just take time for him to want sit on my lap facing me while we talk or eat. I have felt rejected, depressed, sad and always confused. I certainly don't talk about it with anyone else besides my husband b/c to admit such deep emotions to the world would mean, for me, defeat. Defeat that I had not done my best to try to bond and attach with my beloved son...or had worse, done something wrong and contributed to the issues we face together, my son and I.


But, let's face it - after reading and learning and praying and pondering I do realize that adoption is about loss, grief, turmoil, hope, love and redemption. Loss for me in that I was not there for the first moments of my son's life, grief that he has suffered the loss of 9 months in the womb + 7 months in an (albeit extraordinary and Christian love-filled) orphange setting, and turmoil at being hoisted from both of these situations to a loving home across the ocean filled with new scents, people, languages, loves, sites, hands and so much more. (ALL, by the way, HUGE sensory experiences even for a biological 7 months old!)

This is the first time I've put pen to paper - um, fingers to keyboard - and really journaled my thoughts for the world to read. I pray, fast, and ruminate in my head at length, all the intricacies of life with my son. Because, geesh, I'm a stay at home mom and although the laundry, dishes, farm work and more all call out to me daily I still have a lot of time to think and pray! Anyway...

All of that to say that, like it or not, I do take a backseat to daddy. And, I am tired of feeling sad and resentful (a little) about it. I'm going to pursue my son until he melts in my arms. Arching his back, protesting loudly, grunting, putting me at arms length when I hold him facing me is no longer acceptable. Holding him on my hip with his arm and elbow propped on my collarbone to keep me at bay is no longer tollerable for me! I want to feel his arm around my neck. I want him to bury his head in my neck like he does with his daddy. He can do it with me b/c I see him do it with dad! He is capable!


I love when he sits on my lap facing outward when we read together. But, I've always felt something is missing. Attachment - real attachment - is what we both want.

So, yesterday I held him for almost an hour. I tried cradling him, which he would not have. I tried turning him to face me, which he would not have. I tried holding him to me - head to head. But, he climbed up past me, trying to get away. I heard lots of "no's," lots of "I don't need you's." But, I didn't stop loving him and pursuing him. I heard, "I want mommy." Huh? I'm right here, I thought. And, you can read it how you'd like. But, I think in my heart that he meant the mommy who held him inside of her for 9 months. Or, the "mommies" that fed him countless bottles for 7 months. Call me crazy. It's ok. I can take it. But, it's what I believe.

I told him calmly, sometimes whispering, over and over how much I love him, how he is my child, my baby, and I will always be here for him.,,forever. I am never leaving.

We stopped for dinner with daddy and as we walked into the kitchen with me holding him he actually held on to me for a minute with his arms around my neck. He laid his little head on my shoulder and whispered, "I love you, mommy." Oh man.

It's not like he doesn't tell me he loves me, he does. But, this was unexpected, genuine, straight from the heart. Something about it was different.

Later, after dinner, daddy went outside to finish chores. Usually John wants to play and go outside with him. But, last night he sat in my lap and said, "bye!" Totally unusual for him.

John and I sat rocking together, with him facing out (of course!), but he was content. After a few minutes I turned him around...well, attempted to turn him around (he's so strong!) and we went at it again for awhile. Without any prompting he slowed a little bit as I tried to cradle him, looking into his eyes and he said, "I need you mommy." Then, he looked at me square in the eye and said, "mommy needs me?" while he nodded his head. Oh man...that was when I knew I was doing what he had wanted me to do for so long - to just hold him, give him eye contact, no matter how painful. And, tell him over and over that I loved him and I would never leave him and he is my forever baby.

So much of John's story is personal. I don't ever want to exploite his story or tell the world his raw emotions for fear that he will dislike my words as he can understand more and more each passing year. It's a tricky thing - putting your words, your heart out there in blogland. But, I can't hold these moments in my heart. God's children are made alike in so many ways and I know there other mom's feeling what I feel.

So, I couldn't help but share this journey of attachment and bonding. Our story is too good to hide in this little house. It's a safe little house and we so often want to shelter ourselves from the storms of the world. But our light shines bright - for our son, his life's journey, our trip to parenthood, and for the LORD! In the hopes that it might make a difference in the life of another little one unable to bond, I write these words of encouragment ~ there is hope for healing the wounds of loss felt so deeply inside the heart. There is light at the long end of what sometimes feels like a dark and winding tunnel.

I am encouraged beyond words b/c for the first time last night, my son fell fast asleep in my arms.

Every fostering class, social worker and most friends, encourage a child to fall asleep on their own. And, for most children, that's true! For most biological children, that's a fact! And, we have done that ever since John came home. But, the love he showed me by cuddling his little back to me last night and trusting me enough to fall asleep as I held him was by FAR the most wonderful statement of love he has ever given me.

Yes, he obeys most of the time b/c I tow the line. But, I want him to want to obey me b/c he loves, cheriches and trusts me. Hmmm, I think...just like God wants us to spend time talking, loving and cherishing Him.

I believe that the more I hold him, the more I tell John I cherich him over and over and talk quietly about our losses and gains...that he and I will have a bond closer than he and his daddy. Is it ok to want that for us? I think it is. We'll heal our distraught emotions and come out on top of the world.

And, the whole focus? LOVE.

Because LOVE is what LIFE is all about.

The next time God brings a child into my life I will follow my heart, my gut. I will not take "no" for an answer when I try putting her in a chest carrier facing me. Charley and I will be the only ones to hold her for weeks. I will be her primary bottle-giver, lover, comforter and holder. Me. Mommy. Forever. Easy words to say, but for so many little ones, hard words to accept and trust.

Remember the picture of the 3 of us at Christmas from the start of the post? Scroll up and take a closer look at it. My goal for next year is to have my boy giving a hint of a smile and for his little hands to be at rest.


Jackie

Turkey & Family - or, One in the Same

We turned around and Kayla had put John's sweater over her shoulders

Kayla climbed up on John's stepstool all by herself!

Here in the Bluegrass of Kentucky we are so thankful for all that God has brought our way this year.

We haven't been able to meet the demand for farm fresh eggs! That's a praise! We weren't sure we would be able to sell a single egg this time last year. Our goat herd has increased with the birth of two kids - one buck and one doe. We hope to add two or three bottle calves this spring and possibly a small "hoop" house. And, our home is almost finished...we're 90% finished with the downstairs and the upstairs lacks just half to be completed. Often, we look back just 2 years ago and can't believe how far our family, home and farm have come in such a short time. We are so thankful for our families - they have labored along with us with nary a complaint!

Possibly the #1 praise of the year has been the home ministry of Charley's brother and his family. We are blessed by their baby girl, Kayla, as she and John have gotten to know each other during our visits this year. We've gotten to go on a double date while the grandparents watched the kiddos, shared meals, drywall/construction fun together, and most of all the lives of our children.

It's a beautiful thing

My heart soars and goosebumps chill when I learn about a family committed to adoption. I'm pretty open about many things in my life. But, I don't talk about or certainly post about adoption very much. Why? I guess because it is almost so personal and sacred to me that I can't put words to the emotional range that lives inside me regarding the orphan. I read articles, listen to friends and family, pastors and teachers speaking of adoption and I am almost speechless. I can't sort my thoughts out right away - it's much later, after processing the words of others and my own feelings, that I grasp the truth and beauty of adoption. So, instead of pontificating on it myself, I'd like to point out a few blogs and an article I just read. We saw the July issue of Christianity Today last night and it was so exciting to see a cover about adoption. Here is one of the articles from CT. The article is entitled "Abba Changes Everything." He certainly does, friends. For this family and for so many around the world. It's a beautiful thing!

Go here to read about our friends adopting from Ethiopia. Go here to read about our friends adopting from Albania. For both families, it's their second foray into the world of endless paperwork, days filled with waiting, and high emotions. Bless them today and always!

I do have to add another thought...and, perhaps, for me, the most important point. The adoption is not talked about very much in our house b/c it's in the past. Our son belongs to us fully. He was created by God for us. As my mom has pointed out, "the adoption is over and finished!" For our family, it is a thing of the past - just like God accepts us into his family once, we adopted John once. Taiwan, The Home of God's Love and a few other people, places and things are certainly important to us and we celebrate them. We don't ignore the past nor do we dwell on it. But, mostly, we believe God would have us look forward and live the today in the full life and love God has given to our family.

Broody

Today is momentous. We have a broody Ameracauna hen. She's our first spring hen from Murray's hatchery to sit on her nest. She is actually setting on eggs that she laid and ones from her friends too. It's so funny to watch...the other hens need to go in and use the next to lay and this is what we see:



They peer in and wait for her to get up. Sorry, ladies, it's not happening anytime soon. We move Ms. Broody off the nest periodically. For awhile our hens escaped out of their yard and managed to strut into mine. That translates to: scratched up mulch, pecked flower bushes and other ick you can imagine near the house. Needless to say we had to put a stop to that. I digress. For awhile we couldn't find where the hens where laying their eggs. We looked high and low. Charley finally found the stash last night...under the wheelbarrow. There were almost 2 dozen eggs! Yikes.

John counted from 1-5 this weekend! He is shy about singing in front of us, but when he's in his bed we hear him to sing his A,B,C's or "Mary had a Little Lamb" or "Row, Row Your Boat." So cute.

This weekend we swapped babysitting with another couple. John had so much fun playing with Katie, 4 and Logan, 1. He talked our ears off about it on the way home Friday night. Then, we sat with the 3 kids on Sat. night. He was exhausted on Sunday and it was definitely a day of rest.

Dressing chickens and windows

I won't include the pix (this time, hee, hee) of the whole chicken experience. No pun intended. But, it was successful! Poor guys...not for them I guess, though. Our freezer is full of fresh whole young chickens! I still have not cooked one. I am working up my nerve. The last thing my mom-in-law said as they pulled away was, "be sure and let us know when you cook the first chicken!" Gulp. Yes, we will. Mom and Dad Neal were troopers. We all pulled our fair share of the work, with dad (who had never dressed chickens before) doing the most! I'll leave it at that. The funny thing is though, the store certainly packages them better - we'll have to figure out a way to get them more compact b/c right now they look too much like...well, whole young chickens.

A lot has been going on with the farm this month. We are the last in the neighborhood to command attention b/c we are on the far recesses of the earth. But, when the weeds are taller than my 6'2" husband we start getting antsy for the farm to be baled and/or cut. We finally found someone to bale the 25 or so acres closest to the house. They are round bales and we were hoping for square, but beggers (who don't have equipment) can't be choosers. Our tractor is out of commission so we can't move our share of the bales under shelter until it's fixed. That means they are getting wet with each little shower we have. I know you are all extremely concerned about that. Thank you for your sympathies. The farmer that rents the other 75 acres mowed this week. Thank goodness! At least we didn't have to wait until August to watch the weeds fall down.

John is growing by leaps and bounds. He is, of course, my shadow. I love it most of the time, but when daddy gets home at 5 or 6 mommy is ready for him to shadow daddy. He can play by himself more each day, for which I'm thankful! The little toddler still thinks everything is "mine." When will it end!?!? He's in this cleaning phase now...wants to wash everything in the sink, wipe down anything that has a speck of dirt on it (can you tell what we do around here!?), and take the dishes to the sink with a resounding CLANG. Helpful? Maybe. More mess for mommy? Usually. These days will be over too soon and I will say, "where did my toddler go!?" So, I TRY to enjoy them. Though by the end of the day I need reinforcements. I don't know how single parents do it - I am so thankful for my partner in crime, Sir Charles.

I'll end with a little style entertainment. I've already posted pictures of our drapes in our living room. But, I didn't include the images of the rods that I found and stained. So, the story goes...I didn't want or need to spend the money on fancy rods that cost upwards of $30 or more. I just can't justify that kind of money when the budget doesn't have it to begin with! So, thanks to Mom Neal she gave us the idea to use wooden dowel rods from Lowe*s. I was not keen on the idea at first. They looked kind of sparse and not quite as fancy as I had in mind. So, as my daddy always says, "where there's a will, there's a way." I trekked to Lowe*s and found the rods. Nearby I saw finials that I liked. Then I hit the stain aisle and found black stain.
Here's the cost break-down:
Sturdy wood dowel rods 1" in diameter = $3
Steel hangers painted black = $1 (two/window)
Finials = 2 for $1.50
Black stain (that I can use for other projects too!) = $5

Total cost/rod = $13

And, the wood is so much sturdier than other rods I found. So, for half the cost I created the "look" I had in my mind. And, the best part? I didn't break the budget.

Johnny is, at 27 months:
* saying 4-5 word sentences
* refers to himself as I
* eats like a horse - anything and everything
* is very active, (to say the least)
* has more energy than mommy's little toe
* talks more than mommy and daddy do in a day
* loves tractors with a passion
* travels better
* wants to investigate everything - how it works, how it's put together, why it does what it does
* plays outside in the garden with us for countless hours
* still loves his daddy fiercely

After graduation, Gaga, mommy and John traveled to Atlanta for a week. Grandma and Grandpa Neal came to stay at the house and do lots of work while we were away, so we returned home to lots of finished flooring, working locks, closets and walls upstairs, AC upstairs, freshly mowed grass and much more. Below are pics of our week and I'll include pics of the upstairs soon!


My little man in Pottery Barn Kids


He loved the *pink* kitchen! Color didn't matter...he spent almost 45 minutes working in the kitchen. Yes, that long...maybe he'll be a chef.


We went to my folks downtown park in Duluth and played in the water fountain!




A new friend

The month of May flew by with loads of activity. John got sick at the end of our stay in Atlanta, and he's still catching up on missed sleep! When he's awake, he goes full steam ahead. But, for the moment, he's blissfully sleeping and I have a few minutes to myself. In the coming weeks we are preparing for Charley's brothers visit! We are so excited to see him - it's been several years since they have returned to the States from teaching ESOL in Macedonia. It will be the first time we will meet Kayla, their 6 month baby girl! We are over the moon with excitement and anticipation!

Hope your week is great!

My men

"Bank, file"

I sat down at the computer, ready to write, and have not had an inspiration. Wait! Here it is! Ahh...sometimes it just takes those few words for the fingers and brain to connect. John and I had to run some errands this morning and when we pulled up to our destination he looked across the street and noticed there was a "bank." I was impressed with my two year old. (Perhaps he will be a great financier :). ) We went inside to, uhhmmm, take care of some business. (Pay a speeding ticket at the lesser amount which means I have to go to traffic school to keep the points - whatever those are - off of my license.) John again impressed me with his brain power this morning as he looked around the County Clerks office and said, "files." Well, sure, the entire office was filled with 'em. But, I didn't know my two year old was that observant nor that he even knew what a "file" was!
So, there goes any inspiration out the window again...I'll be off now to order our seeds and plants for the garden. Oh...by the way...our chicks were born today! The Mille Fleurs didn't hatch. But, the Cochin (which are my favorites) are fine and the laying hens are well too! They should arrive in the mail tomorrow!!!!

Babies, Dirt, & Pillows (not one of my best titles, I know)

In an email this morning a friend asked if we wanted to buy some herbs for $2 from the Berea College Greenhouse. Support a local student-funded college, get cheap herbs, and buy from a local greenhouse instead of "the man?!" Well, yes! Sign me up! Below is the link to the site if you are interested in more information.






http://www.berea.edu/gardensgreenhouse/briefhistory.asp

Currently, my son has brought his bathroom stool out to the kitchen and climbs up to stand eye-level with the countertops. He likes to say "boo" to me as he pops up. Hmmm....I'm thinking I'm impressed with his ingenuity, but a little irate at the little fingers that investigate everything in site. If I'm silent he'll move on, I've learned. All I have to give is "the look." Leah, my dear friend, knows "the look." She invented it! Her beautiful, precious baby girl was born recently...Saidey Lynne!



We have made some progress in the yard since the weather has warmed up a bit. We've added 6 new boxwoods (I pulled up just as the local nursery truck was pulling up his ramp after unloading the plants to the store. I was so excited!), 2 dark pink knock-out rose bushes, and some plants we had saved and wintered in a small plot in our garden: day lilies, lariope, and hydrangea.



Yesterday, a few local farmers came over to plow a larger garden area than we had last year. We tried no-till last year. It went ok. The soil needs more work that we had thought, though. So, we are tilling once this second year. Then, never again! We'll run over it with a smaller tiller and work the soil well. Then, create beds, paths, etc. The concept of no-till is that the compost and materials added to the soil over time enrich it far more than stripping it each year and disturbing the rich nutrients already there. That's my "gardening for dummies" interpretation, folks.



Below are some pillows that Grandma Neal made for our bed recently! I had found a curtain that I was using for our shower curtain and it just wasn't working out. So, I asked Grandma Neal to use it to create pillows for our bed. This is what she came up with! Aren't they cool?!



John is headed toward an early nap time so that we can go visit our friends, Sara and baby Hannah and Erin and Braden for a play date at a park in Wilmore. It's supposed to be 67 degrees Here in the Bluegrass today!

Happy 2nd Birthday John!

A Christmas llama from Aunt Kim & cousins Laura and Steve!

Our wild man ~ excited about the snow!

John with his buddy, Braden, my besties, and a beautiful amaryllis that our friend, Darlene, gave us for Christmas!

We woke up to snow again this morning...I'd rather have that than rain in the winter! Oh, how I wish we lived in the Caribbean year-round. Ha! I say that...but, I know I would not be happy if I couldn't watch the seasons turn year after year.

Stay warm!

A Trick of Light

The fire is warm behind me as I'm typing at my makeshift desk in the dining room. I am blessed to be able to stay home during these few years that my son is little. I read about how little minds form so much in the first five years...and I know now how true that statement is. John is asleep again after his huge week with the grandparents. Well, right now, he's talking about the people in his life...Mommy, Daddy, Gaga's, Grandpa and Papa. We just finished Charlotte's Web before naptime and I remember that I wanted to share with you this very sweet book that my mom gave me for Christmas. Has anyone hear of The Little Big Books?

It's full of all the stories I remember, and more that I don't, from when I was a little girl. The illustrations are a beautiful collection. It has recipes like Baked Apples Stuffed with Granola and Frozen Chocolate Bananas. "Do Your Ears Hang Low?" and "I'm a Little Teapot" are a few of the finger games, and songs, stories, nursery rhymes and poetry fill the rest of the book. Thankfully I am in the midst of these treasured days that Robert Louis Stevenson writes about.

"You too, my mother,
read my rhymes
For love of unforgotten times,
And you may chance
to hear once more
The little feet along the floor."
~ Robert L. Stevenson

An abbreviated version of the best parts of Charlotte's Web was compiled by the editors daughter...here are a few snips.
"I don't know what a magnum opus is, " said Wilbur.
"That's Latin, " explained Charlotte.
"It means 'great work.' This egg sac is my magnum opus, my great work - the finest thing I have ever made."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Charlotte, " said Wilbur dreamily, "are you really going to have five hundred and fourteen children?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Welcome to the barn cellar. You have chosen a hallowed doorway from which to string your webs. I think it is only fair to tell you that I was devoted to your mother. I owe my very life to her. She was brilliant, beautiful and loyal to the end. I shall always treasure her memory. To you, her daughters, I pledge my friendship, forever and ever!"

Further along in the book is another Robert L. Stevenson quote..."The world is full of a number of things. I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings."

And, I'll part with an excerpt from Amy Herrick's essay on "Mortal Terrors and Motherhood." (Because the cynic in me is never silent for long."

She says, " You are forced to see, not only how heartrendingly fragile a child is, but also that your own childhood is over, that there is an inevitable time limit to all things. Yet, faced with this, do you throw your hands up in despair and sink down into lassitude and indifference?" (And, to that, I say, "YES! Some days!") "Certainly not, because here before you is that which you would jump into a burning building, or out of a speeding locomotive, for. Here, before you, by a trick of light upon the bathwater, is the little stroke of genius- the face, the sign, the map - to show you your next move, to lead you through the doors of your own mortal confines to where you will outlast yourself."